Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I smell stomach acid.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
