i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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