Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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