I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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