I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
