Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
