Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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