I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I can feel your judgement through the phone
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
