i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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