God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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