i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize