Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize