you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
