idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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