he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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