I think i sorta joined a cult last night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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