I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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