We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
