it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
