Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
