oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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