I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
