I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
