how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
