Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
