I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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