Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize