what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
