So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
