Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
