apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
