Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize