??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
