6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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