Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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