Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
