Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
