he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
