You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize