Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
