ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
my liver is dry heaving
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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