the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
