My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
