my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
