Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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