come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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