someone threw a dead crab at me
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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