Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
