I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
