whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
