im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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