LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
